Autobiographical

I've been thinking here and there about what it would have been like if I had "made it."
All the bands I was in.
That tattooing apprenticeship working out.
Maybe even if I just wasn't "unfit for gov't service" and I could have joined the USMC like I wanted.
I can remember when I was younger telling myself that someday people would know my name. That Bryan Tammany would be somebody. I can also remember at a young age recognizing that I looked at things differently than anyone else I knew who was close to my age. When I was in elementary school I preferred the company of my Dad's friends over classmates. Then as I grew up and my parents told me that I was indeed different. Hypogonadatrophic they told me (Megan has since pointed out that I am not hypogonadic but something else slightly different). As such, I would need to be on a testosterone replacement from puberty on through the rest of my life. Of course I had no idea of the weight such a thing would be on my life at the time. Fast forward about a decade, and you'll find a young man with an odd (read: rare) mix of self consioucness and arrogance, emotionally sensitive but at the same time cold and calloused hearted. Everything I attempted that did not involve being social or participance from others I succeeded at. I developed a sense of confidence that told me anything I truly put effort into would turn out well, except dealing with other people.
Recently, an online personality test confirmed what I had suspected for a while. My personality consists of less than 1% of the population. No wonder I have a hard time connecting with people, and people have an even harder time connecting with me. Throw in a hormone imbalance on top of that and you don't exactly have a recepie for the most popular guy on the planet. What you do have is someone who involuntarily examines everything down to it's roots, disects everyone and everything down to it's core. Lonely, but needed little else than a sense of purpose and accomplishment to be satisfied at the end of a day.
Of course music and arts grabbed my attention. I was a talented and angsty unbalanced adolescent. What better outlet than loud fast music, traditional sailor inspired tattoos, and of course, loud fast modes of transportation. I have ecclectic and somewhat eccentric tastes, and a very discerning eye/ear. In the arts, I honestly feel that I could do well. I also have blue collar roots, and oxy/acet torches, mig welders, grinders, and a well stocked garage available to me. So enters a passion for building customized machinery.
With that mix of poor self esteem and pride that was mentioned before, comes a desire to prove myself. To others yes, but mostly myself. What better way than the Marine Core? I grew up hunting and was never the worst shot out of a group, and my affliction for solitude drew me towards being a USMC Force Recon sniper. Man that realy seemed like I was specifically bred for that. But with a lifelong RX I am not able to join any branch of the armed forces.
Bands never worked out due to others not being motivated, personalities not clicking, and other dramatic episodes I can't even remember now, but had no tolerance for.
Tattooing is filled with egos and even more drama, of which I have even less tolerance for.
All of these endeavors I saw people I thought less talented and less deserving succeeding in. Why was my road not being blessed?
They say that all the greats were a little insane.
Surely, I will be great, because I am surely at least a little insane.
I still feel as though my life has been called and tagged for greatness.
But all these previous attempts have been greatness for the sake of making my name famous.
Here I stand on the edge of something big, something that, for the first time in a long time, intimidates the hell out of me. And for the sake of making someone else's name famous.
Is it possible that God intentionally put road blocks in my way, so that I could not succeed in acheiving glory for myself? Like Paul, is it possible God has chosen me specifically and is not allowing me to succeed in anything, except for spreading his message?
I know I am different from the vast majority of people, and I've always believed that there is a purpose for everyone's hardships. Am I finally coming into my own, and being put to use for what I was intended? And can I keep my ego in check and do so while not claiming aby glory for myself?